i want to feel in debt to grace.

lately i've wondered if i'm honestly alive.
and honestly, i can't say that i know i am.
i don't feel like i feel anything.
but i laugh a lot.

honesty is a hard thing.
a hard hard thing.
so is being willing to depend on something that i can only see as a leaf blowing.

maybe that leaf blows the way it does for a reason.
maybe i'm dead, inside, outside, both?
i want to be awake.
i want to feel everything.
i want to understand everything.
i want to cry.

that's my prayer.
i want to see more than a leaf move.
i want my life to be active faith.
opposed to:
passive
blind
boring faith.

I WANT TO BE ALIVE

so badly. i want even to hurt.

i want to feel in debt to grace.